The first of mine

It was in the early year of 2015 when I first met her, and that one glance decided my very first love story.


It was SEP101 (30th May 2015) when I met her again. She approached us for Task Force, and eventually started her journey in U-Schos with the SEP team.

Along the way we participated events, we worked together. In the middle of 2016 she accompanied me to prepare and deliver food from places to places simply because I can fall asleep driving alone, and joined me for dinner so that I have companion for the night. I'm grateful that she has always been the one who are there for me, yet I don't see it.

That retreat in PJ (15th Oct 2016) was the game changer. When I first held her hand, when we were so closed to each other in the night, when serenity hit, and there I decided that she, will be the first and last of mine.

Bentong trip (22th Oct 2016) was the day I confessed, and the 12 days after that were one of the best moments that happened in my life.

We shared the same smile; We laughed over little dumb things; We had the in sync moment over Rela uncle. We let Rainbow back to the wild (kinda sad); we walked in the park; we had ice cream in the car; we hugged each other it felt so warm; we even played Left4Dead together.

Yet thing changed so quickly over a month.

3rd of November, the night where she came to me with troubles over her head, and she decided to take a break. I let her go, presuming what I thought was best for her. Everything went into thin air the week after.

I beat myself up several times, and my very first moment of losing trust in her has, in return, has lost hers in mine. That shall be my very regretful mistake in this relationship. I guess I'm just not good enough.

Fast forwards to now, I have resolved things twice with her, yet both of that made things worst. I always thought I'm good at these, well now it appeared that I don't.

If only I could turn back time, back to where we can know each other better, back to where we just started forging our friendship, before I hurried the momentum.

Being good to her with her has always been natural, but I can do that no more, not until she let her wall down. I guess I've over-pushed her now that I found myself annoying too. I'm so sorry for things that I have or have not done that hurt you, not giving you support when you needed it most.

She once asked me, "don't you feel sad while hugging?" And I told her I feel warm and calm. Now I do know what it is, when you realise you can't hold on to something forever, when you realise you have to let go.

I'm hoping for the days to come, that we could talk like we used to, text each other like retards would, hang out for dinner and all those little things.

"If I love you, I won't give up easily. Leaving is my last option, but if you decided to push me away, I will have to walk away, knowing I gave it my all."

And it felt like a movie, yet I've been through the best part of it.

秒速5厘米 probably pictures best of how my story went.

明明你我只有平交道如此短的距離 可是我們卻無法立即到彼此的身邊 當電車過去時 彷彿也帶走青春的歲月 那曾經等待堅守的感情 早已離去

在秒速5厘米间，他们发现了彼此。也在秒速5厘米之间，他们错过了彼此。 末时，他最后的一笑，不仅是如释重负，还是一种坦然：即使相见，时光不能倒流、过去亦不能再来。
昔日的记忆、错过的瞬间，藏于心底。细细回味纯纯的爱，开始各人的新生活。